Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Hobo Corner: Valley of the dolls Part 1

(Disclaimer: this review contains spoilers. this is for fun all references and properties used belong to their rightful owners so please don't sue. also this review is not be taken seriously it's for entertainment purposes so if something agitates you please don't send hate mail to me. sit back and enjoy. )
Side note: before we begin this book does switch point of views between  3  characters so I will be doing this in three parts. enjoy part one. I also will take request for books to review feel free to message me.  at this site or at

What happens when you take three young woman in New York trying to be famous?

the only problem is when they get fame they can't handle it so they start abusing drugs.

OMG it's gossip girl?!?

oh it's set in the mid 1940's and early 50s

It's your grandmother's Gossip Girl, Melrose place and The Hills all rolled into...
No not a radio broadcast it's in a book called;
Valley of the dolls
By Jacqueline Susann

Our characters Main are: Lindsey Lohan, Lady Gaga and Paris Hilton
No not really their names are really Anne, Neely, and Jennifer.

Anne's point of view
Anne Welles:
She is the first character you start reading about and she is the typical small town girl moved to the big city. She feared  being married off to some dumb hillbilly. I don't blame her I wouldn't want to marry Jed Clampit anyway. Also she didn't have much interest in men anyway they thought she was a cold hearted woman like a anorexic version Rosie O'Donnell. Not really but her being from the New England area she followed her 
nature being a bit of cold person.

 Though it describes her as a beautiful woman even though she doesn't know it. She takes up a receptionist job at a big time modeling agency. Though her boss at first thought she would be a model be the next Tyra banks.  A month later she meets our second character Neely.  Who ran away from the circus you have to be careful of rabies filled corndogs.  Also the month brought Lyon Burk "The Fabio" which all the ladies in the office drooled over. As well as him being Anne's bosses partner. In which her boss is having a bromance with him. When she finds out Lyon is returning from his tour of duty Henry gives her the afternoon off.
When she runs into her fan boy Allen Cooper. Who she met one day after yet again failing at selling insurance to Henry Bellamy. She felt bad for him probably because he reminds her of a golden retriever puppy.  But has been out numerous times with him and he has made surprisingly no advancements on her.  When she begins to question whether she is straight or not? Not really; But she does wonder whether romance is something of fiction or not.  Allen also warns her about older stars to proceed with caution or you may find your insides on your outsides.

But Anne thinking that there is good in everyone blows him off. When Anne meets Lyon Burke the first time he comes off as an pompous ass who thinks of Anne as Ellie-mae Clampit type. Who doesn't know  a brownstone from A one man band. Even though she has been there two months she is a very resourceful woman. Anne finds out her now best friend Neely has gotten a call back audition from Queen Bitch herself  Helen Lawson.  Also has been bugging the crap out of her for weeks about getting her boss to get a contract set up for her and The Guacharos. She is pretty cool lying about Neely's age when she first meets her and starts hanging around with her.

Neely is only 17 but if anyone asks says she 18.
A handful of times Neely maybe dumb as a post but she's not ignorant the way the world works. She gave Anne the birds and the bees talk. Also tells her the truth about going into acting and show business. But Anne encourages her to go to auditions and take classes, But she's reluctant.

 One evening Allen takes her and surprise he's filthy rich!  The thing is it was all a rouse to find a good wholesome girl like Anne; He even had a detective check out Anne Welles background and what not! It of course came up all clean and thus this is where the hokey reality TV shows were created.  Allen suddenly without even asking her declares his love out of nowhere and tells her, She is going to marry him. Run Anne!! Run!!!   Oddly her boss blows a gasket when she mentions Allen helped complete the task for Lyon. He starts ranting and raving like a loon.  Later that afternoon she has a drink with Lyon learning two starling realizations Lyon isn't a total jerk and she doesn't have to be so cold.

 Finally getting that the whole world isn't out to get her.  Anne also had to go through a hellish evening meeting all of Allen's in-laws who thinks she's joking about not marrying Allen.   If she thought last night was bad getting chased down by paparazzi at work and everyone seeming like a gaggle of smiling robots. When all is said and done when the press finally leaves Anne has to restrain herself from hurling herself out of the windows in the five story office building. She explains the situation to Henry he gives her some sound advice.
Then she hears from Henry about our third main character Jennifer North.  That she's a gold digger just like Anne in which she hurls Henry out the five story building. no that didn't really happen but I wish it did or she would have decked him. He threatens to fire her unless she stays engaged to Allen being afraid she's going to throw herself at Lyon. Even though he hits on anything in a skirt and has a fan club. As well as dumped by Lyon Burke Fan club as well. Anne finally sees who this Jennifer girl and sees why she can practically get away with murder;  she is drop dead gorgeous she is: tall, skinny and has long pale blonde hair.  A few days later after Allen gave her the engagement ring which is a huge ten karat diamond ring. All the other co-workers hounding her for all the dirty details meeting all these celebrities.  She starts divulging details at lunch when sudden Neely comes rushing to Anne freaking out.  At the rehearsal they had treated her like an outcast and Helen Lawson had cut Neely out of the act using the other members of The Guacharos.
having signed a contract while her partners are getting two hundred a week she's getting a hundred. Anne suggests Neely get a job since she's not in the big Broadway show anymore. But Neely shuts Anne down embarrassing her in front of her co-workers. Lyon decides to step in and pull some strings that Neely gets a small part in the show.

  She uses the name Neely O'Hara and starts explaining the ins and outs of show biz to Neely. Anne starts getting all the dirty details about the show Neely is in it isn't until one day she hears her singing. She actually has real talent unlike all the Ke$sha wannabes in the show.
Later on Anne gets to meet her childhood idol Helen Lawson. The only thing during rehearsal she noticed that age is started to catch up with the once youthful vibrant woman Anne remembers.  Part of Anne's idea of Hollywood before the wondrous plastic surgery craze. She realizes that even celebrities age there only human not some mythological creature. No these celebrities in this book don't sparkle like Edward Cullen who looks like he hasn't showered in a decade with him being all gross and sweaty.  That evening Helen ends up hanging around Anne like a stray cat  Anne learns that Helen is the original spokesperson for cougars.  As well she parties like a rock star and swears like a sailor. 

After spending the evening partying with Helen Lawson Anne begins to wonder why Helen earned the infamous nickname the bitch of Broadway.  To Anne she seems sweet as kitten just wanting to have a romance novel romance. One that would make Twilight look like a porno. Neely yet again is waiting up for Anne to talk about their days. when Neely loses ranting and raving that Helen is nothing but a fake piece of plastic.

 Neely also reveals that if she ever got famous she wouldn't end up a Hollywood Whore like all the other celebrities.  Then she decides to play Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out why Helen wants to be friends with Anne. She comes to the conclusion that Helen is a closet lesbian and that's why she is always angry.  Makes sense to be but sadly that not the case she's just a dried up slut who will hump anybody's leg.  Anne continues to hang out with Helen and finds out she is bat shit crazy. One minute she is horny the next screaming like a mad woman then the next sobbing hysterically. She continuously hounds Anne calling her night and day also biting her head off when Anne makes a suggestion. Yet she continues to defend poor old Helen Lawson for some messed up reason. 
Two months pass Anne goes to her first show opening the one Nelly is in as well as Helen is staring in. Before the show in the bar while Henry goes play therapist to an enraged Helen Lawson. Lyon and Anne have some hand holding action as well as some flirting. Yes hand holding used to be a big deal back then. Anne also earlier when she had arrived heard from Nelly about her romantic evening losing her virginity which nearly gave Anne a nosebleed.  The show ends up being a major hit but Henry has to deal with Helen complaints about who should get the can. Helen rants and raves about how she isn't a fairy godmother and the only one to come out on top is her. Anyone who has a problem with it can go suck her left ovary.  The whole evening wasn't a total wash up she did end up having a very romantic evening with Lyon.  Which almost didn't happen twice. The first time she nearly hit him with the hotel room lamp; The second she couldn't hold back the tears and had ended up crying in the bathroom but Lyon coming in after he changed his mind again.
The next morning Helen did get her way having the girl most threatening to her quit. Which put Nelly in one of the lead parts with Helen. Anne finally goes and tells Allen that she isn't interested. Guess what? He finally gets it the hint!  Later that evening Anne attends the show with Neely being one of the leads it being even bigger.  But Lyon ditches her there and she finally tells Helen to get off. About time! 
The only problem by the time all of this has gone down it's the middle of the night and she left her wallet at home; It's also too far to walk home.

 When she loses complete hope Jennifer North walks up to her comforting her as Anne tells her the whole story. Jennifer loans her some money for train fare.  In return she only asks that she takes her out to lunch one day. Jennifer is fascinated about this love interest she has with Lyon burke.  When Anne got back to her apartment she got a message from her mother that her Aunt who had helped raised had passed away. Before she left she called Lyon only not having the courage to say anything he was yelling about some girl named Elizabeth. Which made things set in deeply on how well did she really know Lyon?  When Anne gets back from the funeral she ends up spending a romantic weekend with Lyon and he asks her to move in. Of course she turns him down but decides to get an apartment with the girls.

Anne notices after Neely leaving her and Jennifer for Hollywood. That Jennifer suddenly isn't a sleep deprived zombie but like marry poppins.  When she gets the news from Jennifer that her mother has died. When Anne returns back in town she gets a letter from Jennifer telling her about the diabolical plan on her and Tony are going to elope.  She has also been busy with selling all her childhood things including her old house. Also she finds out Lyon's book he's been writing was rejected by the publishers office. A few days later after Anne is her home town with Lyon who is head over heels in love with the place asks her to stay there. Anne flips out yelling at him about hasn't been listening to a word she is saying. Lyon storms out of the house only to leave a cryptic break up letter for Anne at her home. The letter pretty much is like a My Chemical Romance song about how a tortured soul he is and being super emo.   Anne gets recruited by a huge cosmetic company to be there it girl.

After Jennifer talking her into  it she quits her job with Henry Bellamy. Before Jennifer leaves she finally invests her money in the stocks instead of in Jimmy choo.

  Several weeks later Anne has dinner with Henry. She has been going through model similar to America's next top model. Henry tells Anne he got a letter from Jennifer asking for some more cash from her investments to feed her shopaholic condition.  After awhile Anne and Henry getting talking Henry mentions that Anne should stop caring about Lyon because Him, Helen Lawson and Jennifer are all the same. They  are the type that will never ever truly settle down with one person. They would keep using a roulette  different girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives.  Anne soon has become a household name and is dating her boss.  She isn't married or have kids but she could guilt the guy into it.  It isn't until Anne gets a call from Neely wanting to come out to New York and get away from it all. Two weeks past Neely is back to her old self. Neely and Anne are partying it up, getting into all kinds of harebrained schemes. Neely gets the offer to appear on a television show but she turns down afraid what it will do to her appearance.  Neely finally finds out a lot of the public believes she has lost her voice. I wonder if it's where Nemo is.  It's isn't until the notorious Helen Lawson gets in a fight with Neely one night while there both at a night club's bathroom. Helen goes on how she always gets the short end of the stick and how all the young stars use her as catapult to Hollywood. Neely tells her to stop being a drama queen when Helen calls her kids worthless and it makes Neely snap.  Neely grabs Helen by the hair only to find out she is as bald  as Uncle Fester from the Adams Family. Helen screeching about  how she is letting her hair grow back in, that's it's a bad perm job. Neely tosses the wig towards Anne and they play keep away from Helen until it goes splattering into a toilet. Neely with a evil smile flushed the wig holding off Helen's attacks.  Anne not blaming Neely for doing something like this or much worse.  So Neely decides to make her come back on a television special while Anne and Kevin introduce a new product for the event. Anne concerned with her friend wanted to follow Neely to the cost but she had to and perform like a trained seal.  One night though out of the blue Anne runs into Allen who introduced his wife whom looks young enough to be his kid.  Anne observed the identical ring his wife had to the one she had and wondered how many he has had. Also how many other girls had he harassed  into trying to marry them.  Anne was just glad Lyon is in England and the chances of running into in New York are thin.

Three years later it being now 1960 the world isn't so moral conscious anymore. Anne has been at the bed side of her boss who she has been having a relationship with for awhile. She promises him she'll marry him after him having a massive heart attack it being a miracle he even made it through it at all. Anne's boss Kevin is selling the company and planning on take her on a romantic honeymoon after the marriage around the world. But Anne being the nice girl she is constantly worrying about what Hollywood has done to Neely with her "comebacks" and then her falling into the depths of despair as portrayed by the media.  Ten days later a distraught Neely showed up at  Anne's apartment asking to only stay a few days. But days turned into weeks and into months. Anne had been living a very calm organized life but with Neely there the press constantly harassing them along with the rabid fans. Neely was worse when she wasn't comatose she was drunk screaming and yelling about Hollywood. Anne got fed up of tossing out the pills but there would always be more in their place. So  Anne's boyfriend booted Neely out and set her up in a hotel room. several weeks later after Anne has bailed Neely out of jail she mentions about Neely going to see a doctor to help get her on track again. But Anne soon hears Neely ran off to Europe and is causing trouble over there terrified of going to see a doctor and get help.
Three months later Neely seems to be doing not so well in the nut house but the reports show doing this for Neely's own good.  two weeks pass and Neely has been doing a lot better and is make friends with the patients. as well as the nurses one being a fan giving her some extra cigarettes. 

Several months later Neely had a set back from the nurse she was friends with she stole a bottle of morphine and when they tried to get it back she tried pulling a Houdini.  Thus Neely got moved back to the ward with the highly disturbed  patients. While Anne is still working hard at the cosmetic company even though her fiancĂ© has sold the company.

 Several months later Anne is greatly surprised Lyon Burke dragging his emo ass to visit her. Anne ends up having a one night stand with Lyon which makes Kevin have a nervous breakdown. When one evening Anne is out at dinner with Kevin when she sees Lyon stroll in with some new young girl all over him and not telling her to keep it to herself. later Kevin decides to be a man and take charge of the relationship saying he's done waiting for her and Neely to make up their minds. She is going to marry him like it or not. But Kevin stormed off still enraged at Anne. When Anne realizes she is finally free she won't have to settle and marry Kevin after all.

So Anne  decides to go visit Lyon and finds out that little Hispanic tramp he was with was he has to write an article for a newspaper about her life. When all of a sudden at Lyon's house the phone rings it's a pleading Kevin claiming he overreacted. Now is the conflict between her head and her heart.  Will Anne leave Kevin for Lyon? Will Neely ever get out of rehab? Will we ever know how many licks it takes to get to the center of tootsies roll tootsies pop?  Anne chose Lyon and this how the Twilight Saga Eclipse and New Moon was made.  Kevin slummed around and still having a chair on the company he sold he tried to cancel Anne's contract with the sold cosmetic company.  But it back fired on Kevin and Anne ended up getting a ten thousand dollar raise.

 A few months pass and it get time for Lyon to return home but Anne along with Henry Bellamy and Neely they come up with a haired brain scheme to keep Lyon from leaving New York.  Anne plan did work in which soon Lyon had asked to marry her. How you might wonder she had Henry beg Lyon to help buy his business he has built up so he can finally retire and he agreed. But Lyon didn't have the funds to buy such a big company but Henry "lends him the cash" but the one who truly funded it was Anne. Who is terrified he might find out one day considering he would have been too prideful to let her pay for things.  Lyon Burke gets the idea to open another branch in California the only problem they don't have the cash and star power for it. So they decided to have Neely come back from rehab and do a comeback concert tour. which succeeds big time but the horrible spoiled Neely returns soon too.  

Soon Anne was nine months pregnant when Lyon finds out the truth about the loan. Lyon leaves in to California in a fit of hysteria vowing that he would double her investment.

A month later Anne's baby girl Jennifer was born while Lyon was off in California but he did call everyday from there. During that time Lyon has only seen his daughter four days since she was born due to Neely refusing to do anything without Lyon by her side.  Lyon explains to Anne he would love to have her overseas with him and Neely but he wants to show her the Europe he fell in love with.  He would only be stuck in theaters and on the movie set of Neely's new upcoming movie to prove Hollywood Neely is reliable.
Three months later Anne has spent so much time with little Jennifer the nurse she had hired to assist her with the baby keeps insisting that Anne goes on and has some personal time to herself. It wasn't until when Anne stopped getting letters and phone calls from Lyon for a week she began to worry. When she saw in the newspaper that Lyon is cheating on her with Neely or the other way around. too bad they didn't have the show Cheaters back then. They probably got the idea for the show from this book.
Desperate for advice Anne rushes over to see Henry where they come up with another plan in which Anne is to act more demure and let Neely's true nature shine through. Henry also gives Anne some Seconals to help her get through this is the first time she starts to do drugs. Lyon soon always had an excuse for coming home late or blowing off his dates with Anne. The Seconals are the only thing that kept her sanity through the lonely nights.  After going over to Henry's place and listening on the extension a phone conversation between Neely and Henry about Lyon.  Anne loses hope that she has lost Lyon forever but Henry reassures her that Neely is self-destructive. 

Later one evening Anne rushed her ill baby to the E.R. running an 103 fever while trying to get a hold of Lyon. she managed to get through to Neely and take a message for her. 
Ten days later after the baby got better Neely had called the apartment in the middle of the night threatening Neely unless Lyon comes over there she will kill herself. 
The next time Lyon is home from California in her sleep Anne tells Lyon that she knows about him and Neely but she won't ever give him up. Neely calls while Anne listens in on the other phone about  what they're saying. Neely is enraged she has to wait until after Lyon's daughter's birthday for him to fly out and see her.
 It wasn't until one night Anne and Lyon are together at home in New York watching TV and a news bulletin flashes that Neely is in the hospital and had swallowed half a bottle of pills thinking Lyon had broken up with her.  It isn't until Lyon is fed up with Neely's tantrums and behavior he drops her from the agency.  It being a miracle Anne has lasted so long with him having to deal with Neely. But he did vow to pay  the loan back with double interest and he did just that.

One year Later it's 1965. Anne had been talking into throwing a New year's eve party which new years day is their daughter's birthday. It's going to be Jennifer's second birthday has her thrilled and soon the guests start to arrive. When she catches Lyon cheating on her with another girl but it doesn't hurt her as much as it did before. She took two Seconals she realized there is always going to be a Neely out there. each time it will hurt less and less but she won't ever give him up. That is how it ends. did it have you screaming for more a sequel. I don't think there is a second one but it's really great book. once you get past all the mellow dramatic parts but I hoped you enjoyed this review. but this is a three part book and so this review is three parts check out parts 2&3


Henry Bellamy:                       
A  Jewish  theatrical  attorney  who acts more like a P.R. manager.  He explains to Anne that the entertainment industry is difficult even being his sectary.  He also seems to have some infatuation with Anne having described Anne as a beautiful girl with pale blonde hair and sky blue eyes. Also has to explain some of his entertaining language when he's upset to Anne what it means.  an example he had to explain what Schmuck means to her.   He has faith in her abilities that she will move on to great and wonderful things.   The name Helen Lawson makes Henry want to run for the hills it's his old lover who is quiet bitter. But Helen was nothing serious to him just a ship passing through. though he views Anne as a daughter he never had. he get all bent out of shape when Allen Cooper starts hanging around.
was worried at one point she eloped with Allen when she left him a very strange message that she couldn't be in work.  but that was hardly the case.

Lyon Burke:  Raised in England and seems to have his own fan club.  the day after pearl harbor he enlisted in the navy. He's a very sly man his partner Henry who seems to have somewhat of a fictional bromance going on in his head. While Lyon being oblivious to that and gaggle of woman from the office about ready  to rip his pants off any second. He has hair black as night and a nice dark tan complexion. He doesn't have much faith in Anne at first on her being a very competent woman in general. Later he tells that he wants to write a novel about the war he was in. but is too afraid it'll crash and burn. also that Henry will point and laugh at his failure. Simpson style of course.

Tony Polar:  they say he is the next Sinatra and supposed boyfriend of Jennifer. He ends marrying Jennifer then divorcing  her. also she had an abortion her knowing that Tony is retarded. Tony also seen Neely in the same Rehab center and sang together for fun.

Helen Lawson:  A musical star who can sing as well as dance. Also known as the biggest bitch on Broadway. When approaching her proceed with caution. If you even mention the phrases: oh I'm such a big fan of yours or I loved you when I was little; She turns into Gremlin version of  Jack the ripper.  
Also it seems though she is forty that Helen is going through an indefinite mid-life crisis acting like she's in her twenties.  One of the many reasons why she is the bitch of Broadway is she was dumped by Henry Bellamy. She hasn't had a good relationship since she has been married three times and all of them not ending doves and white rice. hasn't had a hit Broadway show in over five years in other words she is yesterday's news. so she does some drastic things for publicity no she doesn't forget to wear underwear. she marries a ranch owner then divorces him two years later making a big spectacle out of it.

Neely: Her real name Ethel Agnes O'Neil as in her words quiet a mouth full. So everyone calls her Neely since she was in grade school. Neely is the youngest out of three girls. She is a member of a dance trio called the Guacharos. The Guacharos are Vaudeville act she has been touring since she was seven years old.
Neely has been wanting to make it big and be able to stay in one place for once. Instead of having to go where ever carnies want her dance around like an oversized gorilla.  She has no education what so ever and when not dancing she has about as much coordination as Steve Urkel.  But she does have star quality out of all the main characters.  
 She also most of her life has been taken care of her older sister Kitty who is ten years older than Neely being more of a mother figure than a sister.  Neely may be dumb as a sack of potatoes but unlike her best buddy Anne she knows how the world works.
Learns that Anne has had thing handed to her on a silver platter which makes her envious of her. wanting some millionaire with loads of power to marry her she would say I do so fast her head would spin. Neely eventually overdoing it with the drugs and Hollywood she ends up in rehab to get clean.

Jennifer:  A woman had married a wealthy prince from another land. but four days after the marriage she wants gets divorced ,takes the money and runs. But she was dumb and signed a premarital agreement if she divorces him no money for her. in order to get the cash she's an no talent actress nothing but a pretty face and body. in other words she's like Paris Hilton. this is where they got the idea for catching up with the Kardashinians.

Kevin Gillian: the owner of Gillian cosmetics and helped made Anne famous. but Anne eventually ditched him for Lyon. 


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